I'm jealous of your bromance
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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