Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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