he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
