My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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