tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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