if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
