He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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