Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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