Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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