after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
That was an excessively violent trivia night
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
