Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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