allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
