I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
