You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
