I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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