This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
