i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
