I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
