Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
