I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
