i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
