Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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