I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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