My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
