Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
