This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You are a genius and a whore.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
