I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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