I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
