Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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