you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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