You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
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If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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