If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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