i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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