Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
