Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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