My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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