She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
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Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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