Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
