When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
