Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
