What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
