so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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