i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
