You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
