he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
