Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
