Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
