You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
