I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
