I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
