My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
