She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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