stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't deserve a penis
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
