I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
two words...techno handjob
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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