What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
