I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I will pee on everything he values.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
