oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
