Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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