I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
