Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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