just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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