got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My penis needs a shock collar
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
